WEEK ONE ON PLANET UNEMPLOYED

As Richie Kavanagh, the great Irish singer/songwriter once said, “There’s a hen schtuck up me arse, and I’ve not a place to sit, but if I ate enough I’ll soon need a…” Okay, so I made that up and it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to my blog. But, since I left RedFM I have been ingesting copious amounts of hallucinogens and have been listening to the strangest music. Rummaging under my bed I found some old bootleg recordings of The Rolling Stones featuring Richie Kavanagh, Live at the Bipolar Goose in Carlow: One Night Only Kavanagh rips it up on ‘Satisfaction,’ spinning it into a touching ballad about an unwilling sheep.  In my free time I also managed to purchase a small farm of mini animals from someone in China on Ebay. I can finally kick-start my attempt to interfere in evolution and create my own style of creatures. Imagine a mini-horse with a mole’s head or a hen with a mackerel. I see him running around with the hen claws flying up and the fish head bobbing along. To me it’s genius - think about it: hen + fish = eggs = caviar = black-market =Lenny f*cking loaded). Just an extension of The Simpson's parody of The Island Of Doctor Moreau, I will have to apply for an animal licence. 

Really though, I have been reprising my role as “crime fighting street smart steel fisted superhero, “SuperLen” standing up for the little man, ready to destroy the evil one, also known as Fianna Fail.” Okay, so that is also a lie. It just involved me running around Blarney, my underpants on outside me jeans, with a bed sheet tied around me neck, a severe warning from the Guards kinda put an end to that.

Look, it just hasn’t been very exciting since I turned off the alarm clock and reintroduced myself to my bed. Well, we actually renewed our vows during the week and I have promised to spend more time with her…abandoning poor Beddy at the hour of, “Jesus Christ is that the time aaraaarrrggggghhhhh” has left her with many scars that only sleep can heal. So, the most shocking thing I can reveal is that under close interrogation my Father admitted to having watched the Gilmore Girls. Yes, I know, I also required one of those power-hose showers that you get when you enter prison. Erm, not that I have ever spent time in prison, but I did play a few criminal records when I was at Red. *coughs* Jesus, tough crowd.

Okaaaay, so I need to spend this time off polishing my comedy skills, I’m aware of that, but having this amount of sedative sleep has had an almost tranquilizing effect on my brain. So much so, that I treated myself to an app for my iPhone (yes, I am one of those nobbers who engage with other users and discuss “hey, like what apps do you have uh huh?!” Well, I prefer the term iTwat) The App is called ‘Sleep Cycle,’ and it is supposed to “wake you in your lightest phase of sleep.” This involves placing the phone at the top of the bed on the mattress, and throughout the night it reads how many times you turn etc. to work out your individual pattern. When you wake in the morning it gives you a graph of how you slept. It’s pretty cool, but I am still at the stage where I don’t know if it’s future world Stephen Hawking style genius, or just complete wankery. I wonder if everyone's graph is the same! The jury is out. I'd be really impressed if it could actually record dreams and play them back to you. Apart from the saucy ones, I think some of them would never encourage you to get under the covers again. I would call it ‘Never Sleep’ and sell it to Breakfast Show Presenters.

So, that’s about it. Crazy I know. And, if you got THIS far, thanks a million, and Jaysus be to God, get yourself a scourer for the eyes!

I will be keeping this blog for any that are interested and will also be continuing to fulfil my duties to entertainment.ie, by writing my irregular and irrelevant column called Aranman: The Footballing Philanthropist. This week’s segment features the Terry/Bridge fiasco and Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts – check it out here

And on top of that I will also be writing some bits and pieces and features on the movies or fillums, here at – bigscreen.ie

Please have a gander at my latest post - NOT SO SILENT BOB

So, don’t be a stranger. Get me on Facebook and in your local Confessional Box.

And, don't forget to tune into KC's debut on Today FM on Monday night. He has a tough act to follow, I was a massive fan of Tony Curtis so he better be good ;-)

Jah Bless Me Brethren, 

Talk Soon,

Lenny Longballs