WEEK ONE ON PLANET UNEMPLOYED

As Richie Kavanagh, the great Irish singer/songwriter once said, “There’s a hen schtuck up me arse, and I’ve not a place to sit, but if I ate enough I’ll soon need a…” Okay, so I made that up and it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to my blog. But, since I left RedFM I have been ingesting copious amounts of hallucinogens and have been listening to the strangest music. Rummaging under my bed I found some old bootleg recordings of The Rolling Stones featuring Richie Kavanagh, Live at the Bipolar Goose in Carlow: One Night Only Kavanagh rips it up on ‘Satisfaction,’ spinning it into a touching ballad about an unwilling sheep.  In my free time I also managed to purchase a small farm of mini animals from someone in China on Ebay. I can finally kick-start my attempt to interfere in evolution and create my own style of creatures. Imagine a mini-horse with a mole’s head or a hen with a mackerel. I see him running around with the hen claws flying up and the fish head bobbing along. To me it’s genius - think about it: hen + fish = eggs = caviar = black-market =Lenny f*cking loaded). Just an extension of The Simpson's parody of The Island Of Doctor Moreau, I will have to apply for an animal licence. 

Really though, I have been reprising my role as “crime fighting street smart steel fisted superhero, “SuperLen” standing up for the little man, ready to destroy the evil one, also known as Fianna Fail.” Okay, so that is also a lie. It just involved me running around Blarney, my underpants on outside me jeans, with a bed sheet tied around me neck, a severe warning from the Guards kinda put an end to that.

Look, it just hasn’t been very exciting since I turned off the alarm clock and reintroduced myself to my bed. Well, we actually renewed our vows during the week and I have promised to spend more time with her…abandoning poor Beddy at the hour of, “Jesus Christ is that the time aaraaarrrggggghhhhh” has left her with many scars that only sleep can heal. So, the most shocking thing I can reveal is that under close interrogation my Father admitted to having watched the Gilmore Girls. Yes, I know, I also required one of those power-hose showers that you get when you enter prison. Erm, not that I have ever spent time in prison, but I did play a few criminal records when I was at Red. *coughs* Jesus, tough crowd.

Okaaaay, so I need to spend this time off polishing my comedy skills, I’m aware of that, but having this amount of sedative sleep has had an almost tranquilizing effect on my brain. So much so, that I treated myself to an app for my iPhone (yes, I am one of those nobbers who engage with other users and discuss “hey, like what apps do you have uh huh?!” Well, I prefer the term iTwat) The App is called ‘Sleep Cycle,’ and it is supposed to “wake you in your lightest phase of sleep.” This involves placing the phone at the top of the bed on the mattress, and throughout the night it reads how many times you turn etc. to work out your individual pattern. When you wake in the morning it gives you a graph of how you slept. It’s pretty cool, but I am still at the stage where I don’t know if it’s future world Stephen Hawking style genius, or just complete wankery. I wonder if everyone's graph is the same! The jury is out. I'd be really impressed if it could actually record dreams and play them back to you. Apart from the saucy ones, I think some of them would never encourage you to get under the covers again. I would call it ‘Never Sleep’ and sell it to Breakfast Show Presenters.

So, that’s about it. Crazy I know. And, if you got THIS far, thanks a million, and Jaysus be to God, get yourself a scourer for the eyes!

I will be keeping this blog for any that are interested and will also be continuing to fulfil my duties to entertainment.ie, by writing my irregular and irrelevant column called Aranman: The Footballing Philanthropist. This week’s segment features the Terry/Bridge fiasco and Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts – check it out here

And on top of that I will also be writing some bits and pieces and features on the movies or fillums, here at – bigscreen.ie

Please have a gander at my latest post - NOT SO SILENT BOB

So, don’t be a stranger. Get me on Facebook and in your local Confessional Box.

And, don't forget to tune into KC's debut on Today FM on Monday night. He has a tough act to follow, I was a massive fan of Tony Curtis so he better be good ;-)

Jah Bless Me Brethren, 

Talk Soon,

Lenny Longballs

 

 

LEAVING LAS VEGAS (well RedFM)

Okay, now make like a tree and leave!!!


Heading from the studio for the last time.

LAST DAY :-(

FOR OUR LAST DAY KC SAID WE WOULD DO A 'BAD SHIRT' THEME...I OBVIOUSLY BELIEVED HIM...AARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH

*cue the Hawaii 5-0 music*



I'm after getting a very big head working on the show all these years:


I paid particular attention to the crotch grabbing.


"Lenny, this is your RedFM Life" Bossman Colm does his best Eamon Andrews impression!


"And, don't you dar darken these f*cking doors again...do ye hear me!"


TEAM PHOTO!!!!!!!!!!



On the last day of the Rooster, the Blue Bubble of Love comes to the rescue. Yes, everyday for the last four years I have had to take a continuopus stream of abuse from KC about driving me lovely Micra...and what happens yesterday, HIS BATTERY GOES DEAD cos the clem left his lights on. Up steps the Micra, pulls up her schkirt and he has to apply the jump leads.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE TEXTS, TALK, FUN AND LAUGHTER WE HAVE HAD OVER THE YEARS. WE WERE AMAZED AT ALL THE GOOD WISHES ON TEXT TODAY. GOOD LUCK AND THANKS AGAIN :-)

KC is off to Today FM, but i will be lying low for a while enjoying some lie-ins and doing a wee bit of writing on my Blog, some movie fetures on the movie website bigscreen.ie
and a few other bits and pieces that I will be keeping you all up to date with ...if you're interested!!

Time for a song and I want to play something that best describes my time on the show and a song that really gets me right here *clenches fist to chest* ENJOY:

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!!!!!!!

ROONEY LEADS THE WAYNE!

It was all about the Roonster last night, as the 'Scouse Mighty Mouse' bagged two goals in one of the most exciting and ridiculous games I have seen in a long time. Milan should have been three up by half time, but as me Mammy used to say, "if you don't finish you won't get your reward" If you didn't know my Mother was Head Coach at Blarney Celtic, then spent five seasons at Roma, so she knows all about Italian play...Weeelll, okay she was talking about me dinner, but hey it works on the same level. Although, if Posh was watching last night, she probably choked on her daily chip. "DAVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!" And, wasn't Paul Scholes' goal an example of clinical finishing, they practice that move in training every day *coughs*

I have a theory of my own. Check out this picture of Beckham in some pre-training before last night. Notice the huge GREEN THING in the background. That's Godzilla, and he's one big, angry, mutha f*cka. He also happens to be a United fan and watched the game looking in over the stands. Milan had about ten shots on goal...only scored two. Go figure.



"Score, and I'll eat yeah....RROOAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR"

And finally, did you hear the one about the Elephant, the Mutt and the Orangutan? Well, you're about to:

ROONEY'S LITTLE BRO GETS SOME AD ACTION

It's AC Milan versus Manchester United tonight in the Champions League. You can catch the game on TV3. Bear in mind that the Brit Awards are on UTV, so there could be many TV wars across the country tonight. My eyes will be locked like a sniper sight on the San Siro where a certain Brand Beckham will be playing against the club that created the advertising phenomenon. He's bound to float one or a hundred long balls across midfield but I gotta feeling, a bit like the Black Eyed Peas that he will get sent off. This will be due to him trying too hard in front of Fergie, (ooh another B.E.P. reference) like a kid who wants to prove his Dad wrong for letting him go. However, I think most eyes will be on The Rooney. Beckham described him last week as the "best striker around right now," so we'll have to see if he's proved right. So, instead of Wayne getting all the attention tonight let's spare a thought for his little brother Graham, who is trying to get in on a little of his big bro's limelight. Aaahhhhhhh...

Question is...would you buy a hoover from this kid? Maybe not, unless you wanted the Cops to charge you with receiving stolen goods:



So, if you're ever stuck for someone to open your supermarket/club/shop/outdoor toilet facility, then little Graham Rooney will probably cost less than a bag of chips. Bear in mind though, if you advertise that 'ROONEY TO OPEN NEW STORE' and Graham walks out; just be sure to be prepared to fend off a baying mob of soccer fans and probably best to have the windows boarded up incase of bricking.

Here is the REAL Rooney doing what he does best:



Funny advert: Rooney hits the spot!

"Beyonche, Beyonke, Begone, Be.. Who's that fella?"



...this got me thinking of a certain commentator by the name of Effin Eddie:



My sporting comedy cavalcade domino effect continues with this this...

"TEAR-ARSE!!!!!!!"

MORE JOHN TERRY STUFF...

YOU WILL LOVE THIS ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A FAN OF LOST!



LATEST ARANMAN....FUNNILY ENOUGH ALSO ON A TERRY THEME!



HAVE A TOP WEEKEND ME LOVELIES!!!!!!!!

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO VD THIS WEEKEND?

Fear not. The perfect date is out there...

WARNING: CONTAINS NAUGHTY WORDS

VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND:



VIRTUAL GIRLFRIEND:

LORD OF THE RING: MS. DILDO BAGGINS

Here is a photo of the lady at the centre of the Vernon Kay "Twat Texts Tart" controversy. He has been accused of sending saucy text messages to the Page 3 lady. Although, judging from this photograph it looks like she has her hands full, so actually replying to a text message could be a problem.


Just don't mix them up love.

Speaking of looking like a twat, here is a pic of me this morning. It's my Jaykay impression:


Jamirocrap

And here is a picture of my "Quality" Radio chair which fell to pieces this morning...a bit like my career... fnarr fnarr


"So, Lenny, when you're sitting for four hours i highly recommend a back less, armless, shit stool." "Ah, cheers Doc"

LONGEST GOAL EVER SCORED?



TRAILER FROM NEW COLIN "THE EYEBROWS" FARRELL FLICK

IT'S CALLED ONDINE AND IS ABOUT A MAN FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MERMAID. ERM...WHAT ABOUT SPLASH IN THE 80S EH? WELL THIS ONE IS FILMED BY NEIL JORDAN WHO MADE OF CRYING GAME FAME SO SHE'LL PROBABLY HAVE A SURPRISE FIN FOR COLIN :-S

P.S. It was filmed in Castletownbere so check it out if you're from there! Check out Farrell's accent biy!!! "She sings to the fishes while he catches 'em"

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED????

"UGLY FURNITURE!"



Ah, the theatre Luvvies!!!!!
Imagine this happening on opening night...wait until 1:17 you will break down:

CREEPY ADVERTS!

Just having a random searchafter the show and came across this hilarious boardgame advert from the 70s, although it actually looks like the 1870s! And when you find one weird advert they all start coming out of the woodwork:

"You just gotta bust your opponents balls!"

Something tells me Keano had this game growing up!! ;-)



And if that wink at the end wasn't disturbing enough, check this madness...aaarrggghhhhh:



Oh Lord, it gets worse :-S

I think they had an Irish version called 'Piss Pants Patrick'... "Just watch as he loses control of his bodily functions after going on the sesh!"



And finally in a completely different note. Check out this video of Liam Sheehan, the Cork Magician who was on the show on FRiday and made a goldfish appear from a €20 note!!

TMO - Liam Sheehan Street Magic Part 2 from Brendan Canty on Vimeo.

NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK MUTHA F*CKAS...IT'S THE HIP HOP MAGICIAN BIACHES!!

SAY CHEESE!! (or Pedigree Chum in this case)

If you are having a sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettt day then check out this clip. It is one of the funniest things i have ever seen. Prepare for tears!! (of laughter....unless you watch this while self harming) NOW SMILE!!!!!!!!




Now he's either really cute or kinda scary...






Quote of the year...if not the deacde and we're only a month in: John Mayer on Tiger Wood's philandering; ""If Tiger Woods was single and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat', why would that ever hit the news?"

REBEL RIDE

We had Lisa Marie on this morning. She was the first Irish lady to appear on Soccer AM as the Soccerette. More importantly she is the first Rebel on the show. I don't get it though...i've had hair between my arse cheeks for years and i've never been invited on the show :-(



It was a good weekend for the Rebels. Brendan O Connor fronted his own chatshow taking over the warm patch left by Tubridy, (although I imagine the arse imprint left by BOC will be significantly larger) and proving that he has the smarts to get him going full time. However, he refused to question Jim Corr and his conspiracy theories, and that was disappointing. "So, Brendan the Haiti Earthquake was caused by the Americans sending loads of microwaves into the sky." Yes, Jim, of course it was. I think the years of touring with three rides who happen to be his sisters have played havoc with his mind. Plus, the fact that he has too much free time, too much available cash and has "runaway" tattooed into his brain causing a mind melt.

Let's remember Brendan in his finest moment. BTW this was Produced by RedFM's Stevie G. I believ he is still living off the proceeds. Word.



And my WTF video for Monday. Here is Jason Byrne as you've never seen him before. Bill Murray is on the ball wha?