SEX AND SOME PITY...PLEASE!!!!!!


I decided to become a 'Heel's Angel' doing my movie review with KC on TodayFM last night.

It's been a bizarre head melting couple of days. On Thursday night I went to see the darkest Scottish man on the planet at the moment (and that's saying something) the suited scary hairy Frankie Boyle at Vicar Street. No relation to Susan, but as he said himself you have to go someway to be a virgin in Scotland and when you look like Gordon Brown/Mrs Doubtfire that's always going to be a possibility. Although, I can't help feeling that Subo couldn't give a flying haggis filled ballbag as she looks at her bank account. (that takes me onto the whole BEAUTY or RICH debate...well face like a rusty shovel but loads a cash or no money and you look like an extra in SATC) We'll come back to that. Just wanna say thanks to Jose for the tickets you legend. Frankie doesn't so much as step over the line but takes a running jump and leaps into the darkside. He is more like a reporter from the region of our brain that we don't want other people to see (don't get me started on the voices :-S) Anywho, so yes I went to see Boyler and he was very funny, but could have tailored his act more for an Irish audience (his parents are from Donegal for fucksake!) but he was funny and scary. Whenever he walked to one side of the stage all the audience on the other side used the opportunity to go to the toilet, it was hilarious seeing a wave of cross-legged ladies and gentleman erupt from their seats!

And to follow the most bizarre 24 hours I've had in a while, I got invited to the press screening of Sex and the City 2. You can read all about it here or just click on the pic above. There is a particular scene with Liza Minelli doing the Beyonce Single Ladies routine...I nearly crawled into the fold of the cinema seat. However, there is also a wet t-shirt scene with Charlotte's really hot Irish Nanny (played by an English actress with the worst Oirish, be-jaysus and the hooly hoo attempt at an accent i have ever heard, but she has big boobs and that's what got her the part!) They threw that in for the lads to stop them chewing their arms off while viewing.

I have a theory and will upon investigation be proved right. Sarah Jessica Parker is a product of love between Ruud Van Nistlerooy and Shirley Temple Bar (yer man who used to do the Telly Bingo on TV). I can prove it. Here is the evidence:


TOLD YE!

BTW - If you want to win yourself a 3DTV and are willing to have a laugh by dressing up as one of the SATC girls then check this out - SATC 3DTV Competition

Ahhh, but there is a catch...Sheena wants the BLOKES to do it. It seems she was inspired by my high heels prancing on the radio last night. Now, I gotta choose a dress...I'm defo going with the Samantha look...I'm such a slut!!!

Below is a collection of some of some of Frankie Boyle's darkest moments. Be warned he takes no prisoners.

As those Goth rockers that look like they've been pulled through a hedge backwards The Cure might say...FRIDAY...I'M IN LOVE!!!!!!!!

Yes, it's Friday and the sun is out wahey! Can't wait to get some vitamin D into me bones this weekend. If you're heading anywhere have a top one.

However, before I go any further I must apologise for my lack of bloggage this week. In order to make up for this disgraceful upset on my part I have chosen three of the best little mental freaky funny cat slap arse banjo shit streaking great viewing reading ting bits you could feasibly experience on this rolling ball of greena and blue we call planet earth.

So, today I bring forth to the altar of weirdness, Twin Freaks, Dinosaur Sex (they reckon a T-Rex had a nob the size of a tall tree. Methinks when the little creatures thought it was snowing, infact the T-Rexs were just getting it on :-S), and finally the Lord himself has returned with a brand new Xtreme sport called Liquid Mountaineering. They run across water like JC himself. There's no mention of loaves and fishes, but I can see some fellas trying this down the Lough over the weekend!

These mental looking Plastic freaks are called The Bogdanov Brothers. Celebrities in France, they were pictured recently at the Cannes Film Festival. They are friends of Tom Cruise, have created a new version of the Big Bang and have the worst plastic surgery I have seen in my life. I did a bit about them in Bigscreen in my Cannes Blog. It's got cows, twin freaks, Liam Gallagher pitching a movie about The Beatles without The Beatles...

Just click on the pic:



Thar he blows!!! If that Dino looks happy grab your umbrella. Also, interestingly Crocodiles have small winkles. Remember that the next time you battle one of those mean bastards. "You might be biting me in half, but you still have a small cock ya scaly bollocks!"




And finally, Liquid Mountaineering. Why Mountaineering I have no idea when clearly they're running, but hey wha' can ye do huh?!

Real or no Real? I'll leave it up to you:

HAPPY MONDAY

I've heard of putting your foot in your mouth, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. Imagine Brian coming out with this one:

Oh Lord...watch through your eyes :-(

I remember years ago when i was a wee boy...You know when Wham bars were a metre long, you could buy fags as long as you were over three foot tall, Dallas was all the rage, a cat eating Alien with a Brooklyn accent called Alf infiltrated our screens, shoulder pads were used as standing platforms for midgets (that's where Oasis got the album name Standing on the Shoulders of Giants..ummm bet ye didn't know that eh?!). Well, one other thing that I remember from my days evolving in the 80s was a thing called a Yo-Yo. I have no Yo-Yo stories, although I did manage to give myself a black eye once and nearly lost the ability to have children (although I have yet to see if they are actually still in working order...does wanking count?) *coughs* erm... when I swung hard and foolishly damaging my pills for a week. So, I was thrilled to find this video of a guy who is known as the Yo-Yo Master...a Yo-Yo Yoda if you will and when he appearted recently on American TV I was inspired...as I hope you will be:



Jaysus, if you thought that was cringe inducing...dive behind the sofa for this one. And, men I would advise you NOW to get ready to cross your legs. How hard can you kick a man in the nuts? Welcome to the greatest TV show ever made. Sports Science: World Record Kick to the Groin. Get Ready to go Soprano :-(



And, when you have wiped the tears away from your cheeks check out my bit on Robin Hood. It's got loads on the movie and some clips from my favourite Hoods in TV history.

Just click on the pic

Chris Morris has already unleashed his Four Lions. And, if you haven't seen that comedy of terrors yet, then go check it out now! Difficult subject matter to deal with, but he has never been one of those to shy away from controversy. Just think of it as Dad's Army in the Mujahadeen, or even if Osama Bin Laden got a band together and filmed their exploits on handicam ...like a kind of This Is Spinal Terrorism and you have the idea. Anywho, he is one of my comedy heroes and here is why...

Here is a collection of clips from his earlier exploits in The Day Today and Brass Eye. Two shows that were co-written by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews, the legends behind Father Ted. The day Today also launched the career of Steve Coogan, as the mental chat show host Alan Partridge:

If anyone is as old as me. Test: Do you think Wham and Lions bars were WAY bigger back then? Yes. Okay, we can continue. You will know what this sketch is all about, and if you didn't ride a Penny Farthing when you were a child i'll explain. Whenever the UK news had audio of Gerry Adams they weren't legally allowed to broadcast it, so they had an actor dub over his voice. I know, fucking ridiculous. Although, when they changed the law many a poor actor who did a mean Belfast accent went hungry:



WAR!!!! This sums it up really:



Seen as it's a World Cup year can someone PLEASE sign Alan Partridge up to do the commentary!

"Twaaaaaaaaat. That was liquid football!!!!"

I LOVE BALLS!

NOT the salty ones that Chef crooned about on South Park, but only the ones that come with an invitation, free booze and a goodie-bag. Last Thursday myself and Sheena popped along to the Cinema Ball at the Four Seasons Hotel in Ballsbridge Dublin. As you can imagine the place is a total shit-hole, my God we were so embarrassed when we crawled up to the door in our Bentley Convertible and realised the state of the joint. Luckily, Sheena actually got some invites because I was intending on disguising myself as an ice sculpture and then sliding into the crowd unnoticed when I melted. Not a great plamn though if I have to spend the rest of the night explaining my wet patch. Anywho, it was an annual event that celebrates all the craic with cinema in this country. Most of the major distributors were there from Paramount to Fox, Producers, and Movie luvvies and then me. "Oh hi, my name's Mark from Bigscreen." Blank reply. "Ooh okay, that's great I'm just going to stand over here now with someone important." Well, it wasn't quite that bad but still intimidating. I have social tourettes in those kind of situations and just wanna dance on the table or do slide air guitar across the dancefloor taking out as many unfortunates as possible. Speaking of the music. This fantastic 80s band played in the after show. I think they're called 'Spring Break' but they were excellent, and shock, horror, they're led by DAVE MAC. If you don't believe me check out the pics:


Don't Give up the Dave Job. Go on the Mac.


Purple Haze. Meself and Sheena bathed in a purple glow. It was a tuxedo for the men. And, a button decided to fly off mine before the night even got started. Check your stitching the next time you go to Black Tie, it could be your pants! :-S


I Bet that you look good on the dancefloor. It was a 1920s theme so all the ladies had feathers in the hair, flowy dresses and pearl necklaces....ooh er.


My first ever Goodie-bag. Well, apart from the one I got at Tommy Sullivan's eight birthday, which included a sponge cake forced in by his Mother that covered and nearly ruined the Sherbet Dib-Dab. Crazy woman.


Wind-Power! This dude had his own wind machine on stage. F*cking legend!

And the song that I was singing the next THREE FECKING DAYS:



In Other News:

Let me welcome you to the inaugural, 'Aranman's Pointless Nearly End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy'

Just click on the pic:



And go to see the new Chris Morris movie Four Lions. It is excellent and a brilliant achievement for such a difficult subject matter to mine for comedy. Wrote a bit on Bigscreen.

Just click on the pic: