LE FIN.

Aranman: 'Anyone but the French' World Cup Diary: Post 10

Did you watch the England game last night? My God, they're a disaster waiting to happen (or happened). Check out my blog from last night. Just click on the pic. Cheers:


Fabio Capello does a very passable impression of Benny Hill's character Fred Scuttle.

Adolf ain't happy about the Vuvuzelas!

I know this has been flogged to death at this stage but this one is actually very funny:

VIVA LA MEXICO!!

Report from the game, Spanish goalkeeper gets into trouble with his sport's reporting girlfriend and a little bit of Rodrigo Y Gabriela. Ola!

Just click on the pic, ye gorgeous feckers:



Also, last week I went to see a brilliant Irish made documentary called His and Hers. I thought it was absolutely fantastic and a change from all the popcorn flicks doing the rounds at the moment. It's about 70 women in The Midlands interviewed about their Fathers, Sons, Brothers, and Fiancés. It's a real slice of Irish life and made me howl with laughter as well as being very poignant. Treat yourself and go along if you can.

I interviewed the Director Ken Wardrop for Entertainment.ie. Have a read here. Just click on the pic. (Warning: It contains a reference to Margaret Thatcher, but don't worry there's also a Novena Prayer!)

The Musical Magician...McCartney continues to have tricks up his sleeve.

Strawberry Fields? Well, not quite. It was the RDS Arena in Dublin. Have been a massive fan of The Beatles since I was a wee fella in short pants (no, that wasn't last week!) dancing around in me front room to Obi-de-obli-da, Yellow Submarine and Get Back. Although my oldest brother also treated me to the pop warblings of Phil Collins and Genesis! (Gotta say I still have a soft spot for Invisible Touch and Sussudio ;-) Never got into Macca's solo stuff and can't say I was a massive fan of Wings either. I always believed that John Lennon gave us Imagine, Paul McCartney gave us the Mull Of Kintyre and the Frog Song :-S However, he co-wrote some of the greatest and most timeless albums ever committed to the human ear. Those tracks will stand up for centuries.

Saturday night he proved his icon status, especially playing acoustic solo versions of Blackbird followed by Here Today, a song he wrote about everything he wanted to say to Lennon before he died. The place was hushed and enthralled....apart from some Ralph Lauren wearing f*cking nattering nannies behind me. They soon shut up. It was a privilege to experience such a class act. And as the show finished up he blasted out a medley of brilliant Beatles classics like my personal fave A Day in the Life, George Harrison's Something, which Macca started with a ukulele and then burst into guitar! This was followed by a finale of Live and Let Die which brought the crowd to the sky. I didn't expect the fireworks. Watch the clip and towards the end look at the screen as he holds his fingers in his ears...very funny, great craic. Sample line to crowd: "You're probably wondering why we keep changing guitars? Well, we have so many we love to show them off!"...This guy will be playing into his eighties...well I suppose he has to pay for Mill's bionic legs! ;-P



Blackbird...one of my favourite tracks and as McCartney revealed he wrote this for the Civil Rights movement in America in the 60s. Enjoy :-)



Here Today, his tribute to John Lennon:

ARANMAN IS AT THE WORLD CUP!

The 'cardigan correspondent' will be reporting on all the behind-the-scenes action from all the 56 games. Sweating through the heat of the South African climate, but kept warm in the cold nights by his woolly armour, Aranman has one month to avoid getting himself into trouble, giving the lowdown on the World Cup, and not letting his jumper unravel!

His first wire has been sent. He has infiltrated the England camp hiding in Peter Crouch's kit-bag, and after that failed he dressed as a WAG but this led to him beating off the advances of 'The English squad's Quagmire' Ashley Cole who has been dry humping the walls, beds and anything that moves! Just click on the picto link to Aranman's Diary. BEWARE: IT CONTAINS EAMON DUNPHY AND SOME UNSAVOURY TRANNY SHEEP BEHAVIOUR.

PLUS:

Top Five Worst Soccer Movies You Never Heard Of!

World Cup is nearly here!... I know I know, I won't state the obvious. So, to take our minds off the obvious, here is an advert from Nike called 'Write The Future.' It has Rooney looking like Groundsman Willie, Drogba actually missing the net, and Ronal-D'oh...One problem. It looks really cheap...Yeah Right...looks like it had the budget of a small African nation!

SEX AND SOME PITY...PLEASE!!!!!!


I decided to become a 'Heel's Angel' doing my movie review with KC on TodayFM last night.

It's been a bizarre head melting couple of days. On Thursday night I went to see the darkest Scottish man on the planet at the moment (and that's saying something) the suited scary hairy Frankie Boyle at Vicar Street. No relation to Susan, but as he said himself you have to go someway to be a virgin in Scotland and when you look like Gordon Brown/Mrs Doubtfire that's always going to be a possibility. Although, I can't help feeling that Subo couldn't give a flying haggis filled ballbag as she looks at her bank account. (that takes me onto the whole BEAUTY or RICH debate...well face like a rusty shovel but loads a cash or no money and you look like an extra in SATC) We'll come back to that. Just wanna say thanks to Jose for the tickets you legend. Frankie doesn't so much as step over the line but takes a running jump and leaps into the darkside. He is more like a reporter from the region of our brain that we don't want other people to see (don't get me started on the voices :-S) Anywho, so yes I went to see Boyler and he was very funny, but could have tailored his act more for an Irish audience (his parents are from Donegal for fucksake!) but he was funny and scary. Whenever he walked to one side of the stage all the audience on the other side used the opportunity to go to the toilet, it was hilarious seeing a wave of cross-legged ladies and gentleman erupt from their seats!

And to follow the most bizarre 24 hours I've had in a while, I got invited to the press screening of Sex and the City 2. You can read all about it here or just click on the pic above. There is a particular scene with Liza Minelli doing the Beyonce Single Ladies routine...I nearly crawled into the fold of the cinema seat. However, there is also a wet t-shirt scene with Charlotte's really hot Irish Nanny (played by an English actress with the worst Oirish, be-jaysus and the hooly hoo attempt at an accent i have ever heard, but she has big boobs and that's what got her the part!) They threw that in for the lads to stop them chewing their arms off while viewing.

I have a theory and will upon investigation be proved right. Sarah Jessica Parker is a product of love between Ruud Van Nistlerooy and Shirley Temple Bar (yer man who used to do the Telly Bingo on TV). I can prove it. Here is the evidence:


TOLD YE!

BTW - If you want to win yourself a 3DTV and are willing to have a laugh by dressing up as one of the SATC girls then check this out - SATC 3DTV Competition

Ahhh, but there is a catch...Sheena wants the BLOKES to do it. It seems she was inspired by my high heels prancing on the radio last night. Now, I gotta choose a dress...I'm defo going with the Samantha look...I'm such a slut!!!

Below is a collection of some of some of Frankie Boyle's darkest moments. Be warned he takes no prisoners.

As those Goth rockers that look like they've been pulled through a hedge backwards The Cure might say...FRIDAY...I'M IN LOVE!!!!!!!!

Yes, it's Friday and the sun is out wahey! Can't wait to get some vitamin D into me bones this weekend. If you're heading anywhere have a top one.

However, before I go any further I must apologise for my lack of bloggage this week. In order to make up for this disgraceful upset on my part I have chosen three of the best little mental freaky funny cat slap arse banjo shit streaking great viewing reading ting bits you could feasibly experience on this rolling ball of greena and blue we call planet earth.

So, today I bring forth to the altar of weirdness, Twin Freaks, Dinosaur Sex (they reckon a T-Rex had a nob the size of a tall tree. Methinks when the little creatures thought it was snowing, infact the T-Rexs were just getting it on :-S), and finally the Lord himself has returned with a brand new Xtreme sport called Liquid Mountaineering. They run across water like JC himself. There's no mention of loaves and fishes, but I can see some fellas trying this down the Lough over the weekend!

These mental looking Plastic freaks are called The Bogdanov Brothers. Celebrities in France, they were pictured recently at the Cannes Film Festival. They are friends of Tom Cruise, have created a new version of the Big Bang and have the worst plastic surgery I have seen in my life. I did a bit about them in Bigscreen in my Cannes Blog. It's got cows, twin freaks, Liam Gallagher pitching a movie about The Beatles without The Beatles...

Just click on the pic:



Thar he blows!!! If that Dino looks happy grab your umbrella. Also, interestingly Crocodiles have small winkles. Remember that the next time you battle one of those mean bastards. "You might be biting me in half, but you still have a small cock ya scaly bollocks!"




And finally, Liquid Mountaineering. Why Mountaineering I have no idea when clearly they're running, but hey wha' can ye do huh?!

Real or no Real? I'll leave it up to you:

HAPPY MONDAY

I've heard of putting your foot in your mouth, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. Imagine Brian coming out with this one:

Oh Lord...watch through your eyes :-(

I remember years ago when i was a wee boy...You know when Wham bars were a metre long, you could buy fags as long as you were over three foot tall, Dallas was all the rage, a cat eating Alien with a Brooklyn accent called Alf infiltrated our screens, shoulder pads were used as standing platforms for midgets (that's where Oasis got the album name Standing on the Shoulders of Giants..ummm bet ye didn't know that eh?!). Well, one other thing that I remember from my days evolving in the 80s was a thing called a Yo-Yo. I have no Yo-Yo stories, although I did manage to give myself a black eye once and nearly lost the ability to have children (although I have yet to see if they are actually still in working order...does wanking count?) *coughs* erm... when I swung hard and foolishly damaging my pills for a week. So, I was thrilled to find this video of a guy who is known as the Yo-Yo Master...a Yo-Yo Yoda if you will and when he appearted recently on American TV I was inspired...as I hope you will be:



Jaysus, if you thought that was cringe inducing...dive behind the sofa for this one. And, men I would advise you NOW to get ready to cross your legs. How hard can you kick a man in the nuts? Welcome to the greatest TV show ever made. Sports Science: World Record Kick to the Groin. Get Ready to go Soprano :-(



And, when you have wiped the tears away from your cheeks check out my bit on Robin Hood. It's got loads on the movie and some clips from my favourite Hoods in TV history.

Just click on the pic

Chris Morris has already unleashed his Four Lions. And, if you haven't seen that comedy of terrors yet, then go check it out now! Difficult subject matter to deal with, but he has never been one of those to shy away from controversy. Just think of it as Dad's Army in the Mujahadeen, or even if Osama Bin Laden got a band together and filmed their exploits on handicam ...like a kind of This Is Spinal Terrorism and you have the idea. Anywho, he is one of my comedy heroes and here is why...

Here is a collection of clips from his earlier exploits in The Day Today and Brass Eye. Two shows that were co-written by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews, the legends behind Father Ted. The day Today also launched the career of Steve Coogan, as the mental chat show host Alan Partridge:

If anyone is as old as me. Test: Do you think Wham and Lions bars were WAY bigger back then? Yes. Okay, we can continue. You will know what this sketch is all about, and if you didn't ride a Penny Farthing when you were a child i'll explain. Whenever the UK news had audio of Gerry Adams they weren't legally allowed to broadcast it, so they had an actor dub over his voice. I know, fucking ridiculous. Although, when they changed the law many a poor actor who did a mean Belfast accent went hungry:



WAR!!!! This sums it up really:



Seen as it's a World Cup year can someone PLEASE sign Alan Partridge up to do the commentary!

"Twaaaaaaaaat. That was liquid football!!!!"

I LOVE BALLS!

NOT the salty ones that Chef crooned about on South Park, but only the ones that come with an invitation, free booze and a goodie-bag. Last Thursday myself and Sheena popped along to the Cinema Ball at the Four Seasons Hotel in Ballsbridge Dublin. As you can imagine the place is a total shit-hole, my God we were so embarrassed when we crawled up to the door in our Bentley Convertible and realised the state of the joint. Luckily, Sheena actually got some invites because I was intending on disguising myself as an ice sculpture and then sliding into the crowd unnoticed when I melted. Not a great plamn though if I have to spend the rest of the night explaining my wet patch. Anywho, it was an annual event that celebrates all the craic with cinema in this country. Most of the major distributors were there from Paramount to Fox, Producers, and Movie luvvies and then me. "Oh hi, my name's Mark from Bigscreen." Blank reply. "Ooh okay, that's great I'm just going to stand over here now with someone important." Well, it wasn't quite that bad but still intimidating. I have social tourettes in those kind of situations and just wanna dance on the table or do slide air guitar across the dancefloor taking out as many unfortunates as possible. Speaking of the music. This fantastic 80s band played in the after show. I think they're called 'Spring Break' but they were excellent, and shock, horror, they're led by DAVE MAC. If you don't believe me check out the pics:


Don't Give up the Dave Job. Go on the Mac.


Purple Haze. Meself and Sheena bathed in a purple glow. It was a tuxedo for the men. And, a button decided to fly off mine before the night even got started. Check your stitching the next time you go to Black Tie, it could be your pants! :-S


I Bet that you look good on the dancefloor. It was a 1920s theme so all the ladies had feathers in the hair, flowy dresses and pearl necklaces....ooh er.


My first ever Goodie-bag. Well, apart from the one I got at Tommy Sullivan's eight birthday, which included a sponge cake forced in by his Mother that covered and nearly ruined the Sherbet Dib-Dab. Crazy woman.


Wind-Power! This dude had his own wind machine on stage. F*cking legend!

And the song that I was singing the next THREE FECKING DAYS:



In Other News:

Let me welcome you to the inaugural, 'Aranman's Pointless Nearly End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy'

Just click on the pic:



And go to see the new Chris Morris movie Four Lions. It is excellent and a brilliant achievement for such a difficult subject matter to mine for comedy. Wrote a bit on Bigscreen.

Just click on the pic:

ROOSTER RE-INCARNATION!


"Hey Lenny, did you drop that? It f*cking hums" "Yep. Good to be back"

So, there was a little Rooster reunion (I would say re-incarnation but I'll come back to you on that one) of a kind on Thursday night when the tall guy invited me onto his new show to chat about movies. It was fantastic to get back in the seat and throw on the old ear cans, but I have to admit I was really nervous! It's very strange when you have been doing the same thing for a number of years and you enter the comfort zone that nothing can seem to throw you, unless f course it's me moaning to KC about why the f*ck there isn't a working clock in the RedFM studio etc. (Christ, we had to rely on the computer clock for about a year and that kept jumping forward and back. Hot Tub Time Machine? just try Red Studio Time Machine..sure why would you want a clock in a radio studio :-S) Although, talking at night is a hell of a lot easier than falling out of bed after reluctantly removing yourself by caesarian section and holding onto the bed sheet like an umbilical chord. I hope you were able to check out Thursday night and we are hoping to make it a regular slot on the show and we'll go from there :-)

Jah Bless me brethren and here's to the future and tings!

If you have a chance please check out my latest Aranman.
Just click on the pic:



Apart from the fact that I'm hawking for hits ;-) There's a reason why I picked Lady Airbags above for my Aranman pic. She is a high class hooker involved in a scandal with a number of top French football players, who didn't realise she wasn't her real age...WHOOPS!!!!!

Also, I was chatting on TodayFM with KC about a brand new movie starring David Duchovny and Demi Moore called The Joneses. It's a really smart, funny piece of satire that's not too taxing and worth checking out. I did a piece about it on Bigscreen and talked about the amazing lengths companies will go to sell us their wares. Unbelievably, Pixie Geldof is supposed to have been paid 10,000 Euro by a vitamin water company who wanted her to be seen strolling around Glastonbury clutching a bottle of their brand!

Just click on the pic:




Did anyone see Jonathan Ross on Friday. One of the funniest interviews I've seen in a long time. Here's a wee clip of Louie Spence from Pineapple Dance Studio on Sky One. I highly recommend it for a Sunday night viewing. He is mental!

SWINGERS!

In a week that saw me reach the pinnacle of my life, I met Crystal Swing, saw Trevor Welsh appear on 30 Rock, witness Anthony Kiedis off the Red Hot Chili Peppers read the RTE news, and see how relations between Scotland and Iceland are worse than ever:


"That Linny has an awful smell off him"

Well, Jaysus that was the week that was and it wasn't that is and it isn't and sure twas only da t'internet sensation of the moment that I schtumbled into while I was paying a visit to me old partner in crime KC. Truth be told, I have been hanging around outside in the alleyway wheelie-bins, like Oscar the Grouch for the past three days and it wasn't until someone was making a delivery that I sneaked in and hid in KC's desk until he offered a tour of the station. Luckily, I scrubbed up and removed any banana skins from my shoulders and syringes from my knees. CRystal Swing had just appeared on the Ray D'Arcy show and were waiting in the lobby so myself and Keith slid over for a few pics. After seeing the young lad going ninety with his knees on the Late Larte and Ellen I swear he's on a level with Keano and will need replacements in about two years...from hucklebucked to hucklef*cked!

I also stumbled into Radio Roy himself, the very talented Gift Grub aka Mario Rosenstock:

"Now, there's a funny fecker. Oh, and yer man from Gift Grub!"


What a surprise to see TV3's very own Trevor Welsh appear on one of my favourite shows 30 Rock during the week.


As if Trevor wasn't enough of a shock, the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers turned up to do the late night news on RTE2! Christ on a bike, I half expected Ann Doyle to leap out with straddling a drum kit with Brian Dobson launches himself naked across the studio holding a bass aloft like a Montrose Flea.

The Latest Aranman: This week, it's more about the Island Feshtival, Rage Against the Machine, Crystal Swing, Giant Lego Man, Hucklebucking, and the Simian Gareth Bale.

Just click on the pic.

Ther Volcano crisis has been solved!

OK, YOU C*NTS. HAVE YOU KICKED-ASS YET!?

Click on the pic:

BITS & PIECES FROM MY LIFE IN THE PAST WEEK:

Saw this in a bookshop in London. Greatest book title ever:



I wonder if George Lucas has tried to sue the Euro shop for copyright:


And Tiger may be out of the Woods and can cement his comeback with a stunning win.Unfortunately Tiger, you are still in our thoughts, and especially for those in the sex toy industry:




MY HERO OF THE WEEK...

"Check oot dis reet maad bastad who is gunna like puut on as many pants as he canna like" (sorry that's just my pathetic attempt at a Geordie accent) Introducing Geordie Pantsman who made a new Guinness World Record for wearing the most pants------- 211! I hope he didn't intend on pulling after the record...them's a lot of pants to pull off :-S



Speaking of Geordies...





Did anyone check out The Pacific last Monday? Cost over $200 million bucks and if your a fan of Band of Brothers then yoiu will definitely dig it. Wrote a bit on it during the week for Entertainment.ie. Just click on the pic:



Also went to see a screening of new JRM and Julianne Moore flick Shelter, and jaysus it was not what I was expecting...the Corkman definitely has a career in comedy ahead of him. He is completely miscast and still retains that stupid walk :-S

Did a bit on it for bigscreen.ie. Just Click on the Pic:

SOME FUNNY QUOTES THAT A MADE ME SMILE THIS WEEK:

"Vienna Boys’ Choir caught up in sex abuse scandals…Special Report from Roger Boyes, Berlin Correspondent of The Times" - Headline from the Times newspaper with the most inapropriately titled Journalist chosen to cover the story.

"I was very shocked considering the Africa shooting. His fashion choice is tasteless. It's inappropriate for him to promote guns as 'cool'."- Emmanuel Adebayor, shows why he has a very short memory after attending a 50 Cent gig in Manchester sporting a dark grey shirt with a white pistol across its front. Only a few months after witnessing a machine gun attack on his team bus at African Nations Cup. D’oh.

"You get to the point where you think, 'Okay, I look like a transvestite now" - Robert “I’m a laydee” Pattinson, on his overplucked brows and sparkled face in Twilight. Just be sure to watch your back, David Walliams is sure to pounce.

And my favourite quote of the week:

"I can’t bear to tell the director. I’m a producer; I’ve got a thick skin but, well, she’s a creative. We must have broke a new record for grosses." - Jana Edelbaum, producer of movie Motherhood starring Uma Thurman, which broke box office records with the lowest opening weekend for any movie in the UK. It made £9 on it’s debut Sunday. Meaning ONE person bothered to see it! Next time Uma, stick a yellow jumpsuit on. Or better still - paint yourself blue.

CLASH OF THE TITANS

3D OR 3D'OH?

Got invited to a screening the other day. Yes, I know... "Oh so loike i got invited to a screening wot!" Well, it's actually more to do with the fact that i need to fill up my days (have you seen About A Boy the only movie where I haven't wanted to punch Hugh Grant squarely in the face with a lump hammer and REALLY give him a fucking stutter. It's a bit like the main dude in that who has each day broken into segments) and therefore it's a nice distraction from touching myself. I'm concerned because a load of movies are going to throw on the attachment "3D" onto EVERYTHING just because of the success of Avatar. I can't wait for Sex in the City 2 with people in the cinema ducking from flying stilettos and any point Sarah Jessica Parker decides to turn her face and launch her honk at the audience.

Have a read just click on the pic:


"What did you f*cking say about my skirt!?"